stream of consciousness epiphany
i don’t know if i should publish this post or not. comments are welcome.
driving, and trying to sit with hurting, without holding it, without letting it go, just being there in it, and it’s a pain of separation, a desperate bubbly pain in my chest, a swallowing hurting, a brick balloon of a pain. i sat with myself and did not turn away, resist, change the subject, shut down, i just felt my feelings. i imagined myself marching into my chest and hugging the hard chalky edges of helplessness compressing my heart and realizing it weighs nothing. but when the heart inflates. jesus. bigger than this fucking body, bigger than i knew. this pain is not my pain. it is human suffering. my heart is full of it. the strength in feeling this deeply is that this enormous hurt springs from enormous love, but i thought i would die. i thought of all the people i will miss when we move across the country and i thought there is no one else like them and i love them i am expansive with my love for them and their love for me, and there are people in washington i will love because a person is all people. and i felt boundless, connected. to me. to everything. and this terror of isolation that lives in me is terror. not fear. not anxiety. jagged, strangling terror. but we are not separate. isolation is an illusion. i can cut myself off from myself, from others, but i am never separate. we’re all constitutionally bound together, matter, energy. you don’t leave me when i move away.
